You might want to pee first - this is a long one
I love to people watch. Lately, I much more enjoy watching life - than being an active participant. I would (will?) make a great ghost.
Between working retail and being a water bug/pool rat/mermaid, I came upon an interesting realization.
Disclaimer: If you are offended and want to argue my opinion here - don't. If you don't see yourself in this way, it means I'm not talking about you in this rant, so get over it.
The other evening in the pool I observed a college age girl in a two piece swim suit and a large sprawling tattoo across her lower back. Without a doubt this particular swimsuit was chosen because the cut and color showed off her tattoo.
I don't get tattoos either, but since this generation has so embraced it, the fad will die down. No way their kids are going to have something so goofy that their parents wore with pride. (I do mean that in the past tense) This next generation will catch glimpses of sagging, faded art, see old pictures, and be thoroughly grossed out. Our own kids find pictures of us in our "prime of life" quite hysterical.
I observe young women shopping quite a bit. (working retail and all) I'm not a shopaholic and truly, don't get it. For me this is probably akin to going to the zoo and watching the animals. Stores cage quite a bit of the population. They are needlessly trapped by changing seasons and greed.
It really does amaze me how many young women spend a great deal of time worrying about how good their TAT looks in each outfit. They haul along many of their friends and go to great lengths to worship the TAT. The TAT mustn't be fully covered. Every cut and color must please it. Many must ooh and ahh and protect the TAT from being overshadowed by fashion. Fashion must please the TAT. The TAT is mind controlling. An addiction. Once it has started, The TAT will demand you to raise funds to allow it to grow and spread. To allow the TAT more freedom and more power over your body.
So, as I observed this young woman at the pool, one thought crossed my mind -
Do you wear your TAT - or does it wear you?
I could describe this particular tattoo in vivid detail.
I can't remember much about the girl the TAT was wearing.


Sandra finally called the other day. She did confirm she is in a halfway house, but would not tell me any other details. Where is it, why are you there or any other information. Her attitude was pretty much as bad as when she left here over a month ago. I begged for a Lilly visit. Our vacation is coming up and all we have ever planned to do this vacation, was spend quality time playing with Lilly here at home. Sandra was cold and curt and wouldn't even entertain the notion. DHS thinks it is a great idea and are trying to persuade her.
Sandra moved quickly to the reason behind her call. We had mail for her here (like - a months worth) and one of the pieces was one of her monthly checks. Rand refers to these checks as her Money for Nothing. I asked her for her address, and she told me to send it to her social worker.
I suggested I bring her the check when we pick up Lilly for a visit. She of course basically accused me of of holding her money hostage.
I changed the subject and brought up recent family news. She and Lilly missed a great family dinner/reunion. More family together than there has been in a very long time. A very favorite uncle back from Ohio.
I mentioned how much it would have meant if everyone could have finally met Lilly. (That's just a symptom of how bad things have been since Lilly's birth)
Sandra replied, "It's always about her! What about me. Wouldn't people have liked to have seen me too?"
I told Sandra her family does still care about her, but she has burned bridges and hurt a lot of people. And staying away and withholding Lilly isn't helping anything. And when you have a child they are the center of attention and should be the center of your world as well.
That conversation really scared me. Intensified my fears for Lilly's well-being tremendously.
Rob garnered quite a bit of attention when he was a toddler. He looked quite a bit like the Gerber Baby. Blond hair, big blue eyes, and already showing his genius - Rob was using sentences by 1 yr of age. He was very well mannered and people gushed about that as well. We loved to take him out and show him off. We were so proud of him. It never would have occurred to us he was stealing limelight away from us or to be jealous. Or to use him as a weapon to hurt people.
Sandra is still paranoid about how we have turned Lilly against her. She has no feeling of how much this may be hurting Lilly. This is home to her and she loves us.
She didn't seem to care too much about the family news I did share.
Niece Angie and DH Nick have just announced they are expecting their first child - and - moving to new state. (Rand's big brother is joining the grandpa club) I shared the baby news and was so non-pulsed by her response, I gave up on the sharing the rest.
Her favorite Uncle has an exciting new future in front of him. He is a man of God following His lead. After her reaction of sharing the news they were back for the dinner, I didn't go any further.
I shared that a beloved great-uncle had just been diagnosed with cancer and probably won't last the summer. "That's too bad."

All of that was constantly interrupted by her demanding of her check and when could I get it too her and hell no we can't have Lilly for a week.
Only reason she finally returned a message. Money.
It worked out later that day. Her DHS worker called and relayed what Sandra shared with her. Sandra even complained about everyone only wanting to see Lilly and not her. Sandra was asked to allow the week long visit with us, was told it would be very good for Lilly and that she could get some much needed goals and tasks done - and Sandra told her worker no. She is not doing much in the way of brownie points.

I sounded her out on family because there is news I am withholding from her. I have shared with only a few and with her social worker with instructions not to tell. Sandra is so cold and uncaring I have no immediate plan of sharing. And I certainly don't want some Pollyanna attitude popping out with false feelings.

I had routine blood tests at my last doctor visit. (previous post).
I flunked the liver test.
To simplify - In a scale of 1-5 with 5 being a too high of score, I was a 7.
So they ran a more in depth blood test on my lever.
I flunked again.
On this one: a scale of 100-200 and 200 is too high, I was 650.
I was ordered to have an immediate ultrasound on the liver.
The ultrasound showed the liver was in stress.
It also showed the kidney behind it had problems as well.
So then I had to go for a cat scan to check both kidneys.
They both flunked.
Now I have to go see a urologist.I have had similar kidney problems in the past. I really hate when this happens. It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.
And by the way, what the ultrasound showed with my liver and what the blood tests showed - don't match.
I have been referred on to my GI for the liver.
You know I'm going to have to get very intimate with cameras. I'm supposed to have a yearly colonoscopy and an endoscopy every few years - I'm considered high risk. I personally think these should be switched around. My colon is holding up pretty good, but my esophagus is damaged. I have skipped these two carnival rides for a few years now.
It seems all the aches and pains and exhaustion I have been blaming on stress and lap swimming had another source.
All of this has taken place in about a weeks time. And my boss has been on vacation and I have had to keep up with a heavier workload, working 7 days straight, and all these appointments and tests.

I really need my Lilly to keep my spirits up and
I really don't need the added stress of being separated from her!

My little buddy

My one bright spot was Thursday. I left early for my emergency cat scan, A bit later in the morning Bec came up. We enjoyed lots of conversation, dined on the patio at Salsarita's for lunch and relaxed at Starbucks for dessert.
I finally got to experience the raspberry mocha frap again following The Great Starbucks Raspberry Shortage of 2007.
People, they purposely with held Raspberry from us until the new campaign ad featuring the Raspberry Mocha released. It makes me almost mad enough to boycott or even write a nasty letter, but for me, life without Starbucks is impossible.
My drink of the summer: Green tea with melon, shaken, lots of ice. It tastes like a summer day. I put the two flavors together trying to fill the void left by The Great Starbucks Raspberry Shortage of 2007. I have it almost daily. I get a salad, my special tea and that is my usual lunch at work.
So - how was your week?

I escaped yesterday
I was lost in Barnes & Noble book store yesterday afternoon. When I ventured in it was in the 90s, sunny and humid. When I finally wandered out again, a bit poorer in wallet but much richer in word, the sky was angry and black.
As I crawled into my topless jeep and exited, people looked at me strangely as if ~ I didn't have enough sense to come in out of the rain~. To clarify, it wasn't raining, yet.
There wasn't much I could do about it at the time, all my windows were at home. I choose to drive across town from West Des Moines to Johnston. The interstate would have been quicker, but driving toward the approaching storm didn't seem like a good idea either. When I arrived home, I set a new speed record putting my Jeep back together. I grabbed my packages and had just stepped a few feet away from the Jeep when the storm hit with full fury and 60 mph winds. I later learned on the news not taking the interstate was a Godsend. There had been an accident about the time I was headed toward home. I would have been in very slow traffic, backed up for miles.
Today I got soaked and my top was on. I drove home in the worst of the storm and I don't walk too fast. I lost the battle in the parking lot.

Yesterday at one point or another both of my insurance companies made me cry. Double coverage isn't helping much when they are both refusing to pay.

My leg circulation has gotten a bit compromised. I spent most of May with a pretty impressive blood rash on my legs. The swimming seemed to be helping a bit, so I wasn't too worried.
I was still standing by my summer boycott of doctors, but my Mom got pretty pushy about it.
I saw my doctor who was also impressed with the amount of swelling I had. I see it so much I don't even think about it. Seems it is a good sign that the circulatory system isn't doing what its supposed to do. She thought this dermatitis might be a result of so much pressure on my legs do to excess fluid; it was causing blood vessels to burst.
She gave me a prescription and ordered blood tests.
One of my early errands yesterday was to fill said prescription - for knee high support hose.
If this isn't officially middle age, I don't know what is.
Wait - It gets worse.
They felt so good on my legs - I wore them the rest of the day while doing errands. I was wearing denim shorts and sandals....and knee high support hose. I didn't care - it felt so good.
I was very impressed with the staff, service and quality of Fittings Unlimited. I even walked out with the best bra on I have ever wore in my life! I have been professionally fitted three times over the years, and Deb is the best.

Almost good news
I called the DHS in Webster county and left message that if they didn't know where Sandra and Lilly were, we would be filing a missing persons report with the police.
I got a return call rather quickly. Sandra and Lilly are safe and together. They are trying to persuade Sandra into releasing information to us, but so far she refuses. I was most assured by their worker that Lilly wasn't in foster care and would never be headed there again.
If it becomes necessary to remove Lilly from her folks again - I was told we were the first choice for a home placement. They have now seen with their own eyes how beautiful our home is and how happy Lilly is she is with us. I wonder how happy she is now.
I still cry several times a day - I miss her so bad. She has to be missing her toys, us, the cats.

I managed to get Sandra's cat a stay of execution. Rand had declared this would be her last day, she has been so sick. I begged him last night to wait. I would prefer to wait until Sandra can be part of the decision. He respected my wishes. But stupid Meowers had thrown up 3 times today while Rand was at work. Sandra had better quit being petty with us and call if she wants her cat. Her days are very numbered here. Meowers is losing weight, losing more fur than ever before, and throwing up multiple times a day. We are worried she may have been exposed to 2nd hand meth at Ryan and Sandra's home.
We can't afford the medical bills for a very sick cat.
Hell, we can't even afford most of my needs.
I'm asleep at the wheel again. 'Night.

I'm having a morning.

Gratefully, I have been incredibly busy at work this week - barely time to breathe. And little time to think about much else.
On occasion someone would see my face change and ask.
I was usually having a little panic attack. One of those sly moments when Lilly would appear in my head.
The pain of missing Lilly and the fear of not knowing where she is or if she is safe- just about send me over the edge. I fully believe without a doubt people can - and do - die of a broken heart.
When I'm not at work I am at the pool swimming never ending laps. Trying to get rid of the stress in my body that is rendering me more disabled than I have been in a very long time.
Lap swimming keeps me focused and I can zone out of the real world.
I ran into problems only one evening. The only people who joined me at the pool that evening were were Grandmas with small grandchildren.
You can cry under water while lap swimming.
To answer all your questions - is Sandra using again? We don't know. It looks suspicious. We know she wanted to. Did she? We don't know. Where are they living now? We don't know.
Are they safe? We don't know. Is Lilly with Sandra? We don't know.
We turned her phone back on, but she never answers our calls or return our messages.

When I'm not at work or at the pool, I am sleeping. All this exercise has really brought the sleep on. My body certainly needs that.
The dreaming is not restful.
Last week, I dreamed I could turn into a bear. (similar to a werewolf, but I was a bear)
I had to turn into a bear. Hunters were trying to hurt the baby bears and I could only save them if I was a bear.
Don't have to look too deep to see the interpretation in that one.
See the news out there this week? There were a lot of predators hurting children.
And I get more and more scared worrying about Lilly, where she is and who she is with.

The other day I dreamed I could see Sandra, but I could not reach her. No matter how hard I struggled I couldn't get to her. This was the Sandra that we all miss and love. She had red hair and a kind smile.

I wish I could plug life into a equation and find the correct solution. Too many variables.

I'm dressed and ready for the pool.
I was packing my tote bag getting ready to go when I caught a glimpse of some I had gotten Lilly for the pool.
I burst into sobbing tears. That's how it goes. Suddenly without warning. The tears hit, my heart is pounding, the room is spinning, it's hard to breathe, and I am struggling to try and stay in control of the whole situation.
I thought if I sat down and wrote it might help. Not so far.

One of the last evenings they were here; Sandra was putting Lilly to bed and Lilly asked me to rock her outside on 'Iggy's patio'. I was worried about mosquitoes, hadn't bought anything for that purpose yet, and I said no, Gramma had to get bug spray. All Lilly wanted to do was cuddle and love on Gramma in our favorite rocking chair, enjoying the cool of the evening outside.
Will I ever get a chance to make that right and enjoy that moment?


Sorry. That stupid picture sight won't even work for me anymore. I will try to post more pictures as I can. I downloaded all of them.

Lilly's Life

Here we go, again.
Again IT hurts just as bad as every other time.
Sandra gone through dramatic personality changes in the past few weeks.
A couple of weeks ago she ran off to Fort Dodge with Lilly.

She is acting very paranoid of me. I'm trying to steal Lilly, I want to be the mom, I'm turning Lilly against her, I am trying to make Sandra be too perfect, .....the list goes on and on and changes daily I'm sure.
Sandra said I was pushing her too hard.
I had three main requests:
Get your butt off the couch
Clean something
Get a job

In my own defense I was having a blast being Gramma. I loved spending all of my time with her playing and teaching her about the world. She was "Gramma's girl", through and through.
Lilly was my little buddy and did so much to improve my health mentally and physically. Pain couldn't be the main attraction when there were tea parties to have, books to read and and a whole outside with stuff she didn't know.
One evening together she came over, took my hand, leaned forward, looked deep into my eyes, and asked, "Jeep ride?" while nodding and pulling. Of course we went for a jeep ride! (top down) We had a blast and visited old friends toward the end.

Unknown to us, it was out last evening together.

Rand and I have been told we may be allowed to see Lilly again, someday. When THEY are convinced we aren't trying to steal her or trying to brainwashing Lilly into not behaving for her parents. When they are COMFORTABLE with us seeing her.
Lilly has been misbehaving for Sandra and it seems that is my fault. I suggested maybe she is acting out because her world has just been turned upside down and she misses us. Or in a real stretch - Maybe she is just a normal 2 year old who has learned she has her own opinion and isn't afraid to use it?

From our last communication, Lilly's future looks like it will begin at a half-way house.
It's where Sandra is headed and - oh goody - the kids can go too.

The rest of the story I haven't been allowed to blog about is as long as Lilly's life.
There is a reason we go through feast and famine with Lilly time.
Her parents are meth addicts.

That's why they ran from us when she was a few months old.
Last August, I turned them in. There was a raid on their house, drugs were found, and Lilly was placed in foster care. the DHS gave them a choice of: Lilly could live with us or go to foster care.
Sorta proves to most loving parents - they weren't in their right mind. Who in their right mind would choose foster parents over Gramma's house??? But I was the enemy. I was trying to save their lives and Lilly's. And I was punished severely for it. Lilly did test positive for meth. In fact her numbers were off the charts.
Sandra and Ryan's punishment for all this was rehab. Sandra after a fashion was allowed to have Lilly live with her at the treatment center.

Rand and I didn't get to see Lilly for several months. We didn't get to spend Christmas with her, again. And we didn't get to see her on her birthday. We weren't allowed visits.

This all changed when Ryan beat Sandra last February. This activity has gone on for most of their relationship, but when we asked, Sandra she would lie outright and say no. This time the beating was pretty bad. And Lilly got to watch. Sandra was weeks recovering. And we moved Sandra and Lilly in with us.
Ryan eventually plead guilty and is now on probation.

Lilly talked to me about that incident. Flashing lights on a police car were the trigger. Lilly pointed to the car and said Daddy go bye-bye and talked about loud owies. We talked for awhile, and she curled up on my lap closer and closer. It was someplace she went to feel safe.
Lilly needs someone to worry about her and have someone she can confide in, even at her tender young age. She has chosen this Gramma.
Lilly usually referred to me as My Gramma. Lately, she started calling me Mommy-Gramma. That was probably a final trigger for Sandra.
The paranoia was already out of control.
We suspect that Sandra was using again. Any family member who has seen her recently has felt the same way. But she denied it. Now that she is going to a half way house and taking Lilly with her, we don't know what to think. And we can't get any information from the DHS.
Sandra won't even allow us to talk to Lilly on the phone. We could still tell Lilly not to mind her mommy.
So we did suspend her phone. She was on our family plan. Rand called to let her know and she was livid. She could not believe we would shut off her phone! Rand told her we weren't COMFORTABLE being stabbed in the back and yet still paying money out of our pockets for this.
It is just suspended.
When we feel COMFORTABLE paying for her phone, it can be turned back on.

Our hearts are broke.
Only God knows when we will get to see Lilly again.
We wonder if there is anything of our daughter left not destroyed by the drug. We are mourning the loss of the sweet girl we raised.
All we want for Lilly is a normal life, full of love. Not one where she gets jerked around from one family to the next and the people she loves disappear with no explanation. And currently, we are the best relatives equipped to offer that.
The state of Iowa will never recognize that. A couple of years ago our legislators passed a law that declares grandparents have no rights or say in the lives of their grandchildren. Wanted to cut down on the number of family quarrels clogging the courts.
The DHS also allows parents final say. Which is why people with brains fried from drugs can send their children to foster care instead of Gramma's house.
It is also a waste of our tax dollars at work. Why should your tax dollars be supporting my grandchild when our home is waiting with open arms?

I dare anyone in Webster county to ask Lilly if she wants to go to Gramma's house.

And yes, we had just recently had Lilly's portraits done. You can view/order them here.
To get in the guest name is Pamela Glazebrook. The access code is LTT0846107376TAR